


Broken Pencils

by BarracudaHeart



Series: Beach City Drama [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Depression, Explicit Language, Friendship, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Romantic Friendship, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-03-08 09:05:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3203600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarracudaHeart/pseuds/BarracudaHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I started getting mad that I couldn't shake it off, and after a while, I was mad at everything, and I kept beating myself up over it. Just felt like everything just stopped working, and I couldn't fix it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Pencils

_Two croissants, a banana muffin, and chocolate jelly. Everything needed for a hungry belly!_

Steven had been singing that rhyme under his breath to remember what to buy for his father, Amethyst, and himself. Even a midst the excitement of crystal gem warrior missions, he never forgot about the special doughnut runs he'd make for his dad and the gems. Even if he couldn't wield a spear like Pearl or smash boulders like Garnet or even master shapeshifting like Amethyst, he did have one specialty mastered: Making others happy. And pastries could certainly do that with usually no fail.

He sort of knew he should have gone earlier in the day, since by now, Lars and Sadie were about to close up, but the day sort of got away from him with how busy the Gems kept him. At least he knew what to order this time.

The door chimed artificially as it always did when it opened, and Steven walked in with a bright grin, "Afternevening, milady!", he spoke overdramatically to Sadie who gave a smile from her seat at the counter.

" _Afternevening_? That's a new one," she laughed tiredly, having had a slow day, "Come by to make last minute purchases?"

"I was gonna come by earlier, but gem stuff, y'know?", he shrugged, "I'll make this quick for you! Two croissants...no wait maybe it was two muffins...?..." he began to mumble the rhyme he'd thought up before under his breath, then requested with a grin, "Two croissants, banana muffin, and a chocolate jelly, please!"

Sadie laughed softly, "Comin' right up," and pulled out a new looking stepladder so she could grab the top shelf doughnuts that were hard to reach. She laughed as she climbed on it, "I usually ask Lars to grab the top ones, but I guess he got tired of that. He brought in a stepladder for me today!"

Steven was laughing at the notion of Lars hauling in the little ladder for Sadie, then asked, "Did Lars leave already?"

"Nah, he's in the back. He said he was getting cleaning supplies for the soda dispensers. Those things are gunked up to high heaven," she sighed, turning in direction of the back room door opening, her coworker hauling in a bucket, sponges and various supplies, walking over to the soda machine with a certain sense of speed in his step as he got to work.

"Hi Lars!" Steven cheered.

The lanky stockboy glanced over at the half-gem child with a small smirk devoid of any meanness (or really, anything for that matter), "Yo," and went right back to cleaning, looking determined to get it done.

"You usually clock out early," Steven observed, which made Lars roll his eyes, but not look ready to snap like he usually would at Steven's antics (or what he himself considered antics from the kid).

"Yeah, boss called me, telling me I gotta work until closing if I want full pay," he snorted, scrubbing the inner workings of the machine, foam and froth already working its way up over the edge of it. Lars gave a tiny sputter of exasperation when the sponge he worked with was too soaked with grime to work, and chucked it in a bucket, grabbing a fresh one.

Sadie watched her friend scrub away, impressed at his change in work ethic as of late, having noticed for the last couple of weeks, he didn't clock out early like he usually did, and from what it looked like, he didn't use the headphones to ignore her anymore. Work got by a lot smoother nowadays, which was quite the relief for her, since it meant she wouldn't have to work extra hard just to keep the shop running.

While the blonde worked to close up the counter area, Steven felt a little awkward standing there, wondering if he should leave, when Lars called for his attention, and he perked up, looking over.

"Hey, wanna gimme a hand here and refill that soap bucket?"

"Oh! Yeah!", he smiled, setting his purchase down, and grabbing the huge industrial plastic bucket, and filled it up to the brim with soapy water, returning it to Lars, who mumbled a 'thank you' as he continued to work at cleaning out the monster of a machine. Whenever Steven thought he'd have the opportunity to leave, Lars would ask him to assist with another task; more sponges, the mop, another bottle of pipe cleaner; it kept him busy, but it also seemed to make Lars even busier.

Within thirty minutes, the shop was prepped for closing, and the machine Lars had been cleaning was finally up and running. The teen mopped his brow with his forearm, looking somewhat pleased with his handiwork. He glanced around for Steven once he was done admiring the work, and seeing the kid already heading out, gave a small sigh. Maybe he'd have time or motivation to thank him a little later.

"Wow, Lars!", Sadie smiled, checking it over as she grabbed her coat, "It almost looks like new!"

He gave a small snort, cheeks flushing, "Huh, what can I say, I can make the worst stuff look good."

"Yeah, I guess so," she smiled softly, giving a small wave goodbye as she pocketed her keys and left for her car.

"H-hey, Sadie?", the other suddenly piped up.

"Yeah?", she asked, turning around to look at him, curious.

"...thanks," he smiled, looking genuinely grateful.

For what, Sadie didn't know the reason she was thanked, but it made her feel good to hear it from him directly, and to see him smile as he said it. "You're welcome Lars," she smiled kindly, and gave another wave as she left for her car, in an unshakably good mood for what she hoped would be the rest of the day.

* * *

As Sadie's car got smaller and smaller in the distance, so did Lars' smile, his shoulders slacking as if weights were tied on, pulling him to the ground if it weren't for the fact his feet were going to push themselves home. It felt good to smile for once, but it was only temporary. This sense of emptiness, bleakness, weariness, it never really left. And every time he thought it might, it just came back with a harder strike. It wasn't even that he felt a sense of sadness. He just felt  _nothing_. And when he felt nothing, he just felt angry about it. And that anger tired him out more than anything.

Wishing Steven hadn't left so abruptly, wanting company for just a bit longer, Lars knew he had to get home, walking at a general pace, staring ahead as he lumbered down the beachwalk, towards the cluster of neighborhoods, his small house on block #2. The orange-pink glow of sunset shone bright off all the different houses' windows, getting in his eyes a bit, and warming his face ever so slightly. He blocked it with his forearm as he continued plodding home. Once he reached his family's house, stepping on the porch, he unlocked the door, and went straight up to his room, closing the door, not bothering to lock it, and just sat on the bed, staring at his wall. Posters decorated it, but even as he stared at their colors and designs, he felt like it was no different than a blank canvas, and that it was just all draining him so much more.

He reached into his nightstand, pulling out the neatly folded piece of paper he'd worked on the night before, reading its short message;

_I'm sorry. I'm just too tired and angry to deal with this anymore. I'm not angry at anyone, just myself, so please don't feel bad when I'm gone. I can't force you to be happy after this, but don't feel bad for me. It's better this way. I just can't deal with this anymore. I just can't. Sorry._

He drew in a sigh, thinking it sounded stupid but he had no other thoughts for it, and just laid it on his desk with his pens and pencils and recently finished sketchbook. He'd loved to draw since he was young, but all he could do now was do ugly self portraits. Horrid, disgusting, grotesque, sloppy. The book was full of them. It was a sign he was just  _done_  with it all.

He'd cleaned up the machines at the shop for Sadie so she wouldn't have to worry about them anymore. He just wanted to make her job easier when he was gone. Within a few weeks, they'd have someone else working with her. Maybe Steven would take the job. They'd get along. Sadie would love it. Lars knew it would make her happy. She deserved that. He figured Steven would like it. He deserved that.

Running a hand through his dyed curls, he looked at his clock, seeing his parents wouldn't be home for at least two more hours. He decided he could spend a few minutes in silence, thinking about something. But he really couldn't think about anything.

He just felt so  _empty_.

* * *

"Amethyst, slow down, I bought you two of those things! Don't choke!", Steven laughed as the purple gem scarfed down her croissants in record breaking time.

"Haha, Steven, Gems can't ch-" she started, before catching a too-big swallow of pastry in her throat, hacking on it until Garnet gave two gentle pats to her back, and she coughed it up, looking back to the boy with a grin.

'So what was it you were going to take me on Pearl?", Steven had looked back to the slender Gem who smiled knowingly, "I said I was going to take you to a lunar bridge. Unlike the sea spire, it's only accessible during the eclipse," she then grinned excitably, a small squeak in her voice, "Which is tonight!"

"Woah, really?", he beamed in absolute awe, "Should I pack my Cheeseburger backpack for anything?", he asked as he got up.

"No need to!", she waggled her finger, "This is more of an excursion than a mission. Think of it as a learning experience."

"What would he learn from this?", Amethyst laughed, wiping crumbs off her face, tossing the crumpled napkins into the air.

"That the eclipse is a very interesting event!", Pearl huffed, rolling her eyes, and looked to Garnet, "Is it time to leave, you think?"

"Yes," the stoic Gem nodded as she folded away the empty muffin wrapper she had, burning it in her hand, then looked over to the boy, "Let's go, Steven."

A wide grin growing on the boy's face, he rushed onto the warp pad, laughing excitably as they sailed away on it. As soon as the beam of light vanished, and the house was empty, Steven's phone, left on the counter, buzzed with a text from Lars, the first text ever sent by the teen which wasn't a reply to something silly Steven would send.

_Take care of yourself, ok Steven?_

The text would go unread until the next day. Forty minutes after it was sent, in the ambient night sound of the beach area, a siren would be wailing in the distance, as the fate of a troubled soul would be rushed down the empty streets.

Right before Steven's phone died of low battery, around 2AM, it buzzed with another text, which again would be unanswered, and ultimately unread.

_Steven, it's Sadie._

Another buzz, another beat.

_Lars is in the hospital._

* * *

Steven had remembered to put his phone on the charger that morning just before he exited the house, knowing it would be good as new once he got back home from his early morning breakfast run. Pearl had insisted he eat a banana, having read up on human diets for his benefit, which he gladly did so, finding bananas to be delicious, but his appetite was still calling for a chocolate cinnamon doughnut, and he knew his dad was probably going to appreciate a coffee if he picked one up for him.

He was looking forward to talking about the lunar bridge trip to Lars and Sadie once he got to the doughnut shop, figuring they'd be awake enough to be actively listening. Or maybe Sadie at least. Lars would probably just nap and grumble through it, Steven figured.

Once he got inside, he saw only one of the duo at the counter, Sadie slumped in a seat, staring into a cup of coffee. She looked tired, of course it was still morning, but she looked...upset, Steven had noticed. He walked over to her, not seeing Lars anywhere in sight; maybe in the back room.

"Hey Sadie," Steven smiled, trying to get her attention.

The clerk snapped her head up in shock, blonde hair a mess as she glanced at Steven with sunken eyes, as she spoke hoarsely, "Oh...hey," she cleared her throat, still looking shaken up, "You...got my texts?"

"My phone was dead, sorry," the kid shrugged, "Why?"

Sadie's hands began to fidget as she tried to talk, "Y-you didn't know? L-Lars is in the hospital," she spoke, words sticking in her throat.

The shock of the news hit Steven like a rock to the stomach, "What? What happened?"

Choosing her words carefully, she lied through her teeth, "They don't know yet...He just got sick."

"I-is he gonna be ok?", Steven then asked, just wanting to know if Lars was in danger.

"...yeah," she spoke blankly, sounding utterly detached and weary as she spoke. She'd been up all night ever since Lars' parents had called her in a panic, telling her that they had called an ambulance upon finding their boy by an empty bottle of pills he'd been recently prescribed for insomnia. She herself didn't know in what state, conscious or unconscious, or for the matter, where in his house. All she knew was that she had met up with the two parents in the blinding white ER hallway as the nurses worked to empty Lars' system of the medication. It didn't take a genius to know that this wasn't an accident. What shook Sadie the hardest was that she didn't see this coming so suddenly. They'd managed to clean out the pills without damaging Lars, but they'd have to keep him in the hospital for at least a day or two.

"Can we visit him? I bet the hospital gets lonely," Steven had murmured, trying to cheer Sadie up, but it seemed to make things worse, as she clenched a part of her hair in her fist.

"He doesn't want visitors right now," she spoke tensely, knowing it was a delicate situation, "He...needs help."

"With what?", the boy then asked, not getting what she said.

"...He's really sick Steven," she sighed, "And it's not just something medicine can fix."

* * *

Steven had tried to get more out of Sadie that morning about Lars' condition, but she said it was something she didn't feel comfortable explaining. He didn't know why she was being so secretive about this. Was Lars sick with something dangerous? Is that why they couldn't visit?

Whatever Lars was sick with, it seemed to have been caught by Sadie, Steven observed. The clerk was looking like a zombie, being at work on no hours of sleep. Steven had offered to help with her shift, and she was about to decline, but suddenly sank into a chair, knees looking weak. Deeming her not fit to work, Steven had commanded her as sternly as he could to go in the back room and lie down on the napkins.

If Sadie hadn't been so tired and so shaken by the recent events, she would have been a tiny bit embarrassed at being told what to do by a kid. But she just did as Steven commanded. The minute she laid upon the napkins, she felt the weight of exhaustion crush her so much, it was almost suffocating.

She didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to respond to any of this. The last she'd seen of Lars was the evening before, after they closed the shop. After he had worked his hands sore cleaning the most difficult parts of the shop. Until now, she hadn't understood why he did that. Now she realized he'd done it to hopefully make her work easier when he was gone. He even tried to be nice to Steven, she remembered, realizing he wanted to have closure with the boy.

There were still so many things she didn't get, she didn't think she'd ever get. Not even after she would visit Lars at home. It just made her stomach churn, wondering what had gone through his head as he wrote his final goodbyes, as he took the deadly dose, as he closed his eyes in his hope it would be the last time. She wondered if he hated himself with such skilled secrecy, she didn't even realize it. She knew he was dealing with bad self esteem, but she didn't expect this.

She didn't end up falling asleep. Instead, she cried on the napkin bed hard enough to make her eyes sore red, and her stomach feel like it turned to soup.

While Sadie despaired, Steven thrived as he managed the shop, feeling more grown up than anything as he handled the customers, cleaning every crumb and spill, and stocking every doughnut with a replacement. Although, soon, he found he had difficulty reaching the top of the racks, his stubby stature not doing much for help.  
He looked around for the stepladder that Lars had gifted Sadie the day before, and seeing it nowhere, decided to check in the back.

Steven had expected Sadie to be asleep when he went in the back, and felt his stomach drop as he saw her crying her eyes out, face planted against the napkins in a desperate attempt to stop herself.

"S-Sadie?", Steven had whispered in shock, and made a move to comfort her, only to remember the shop was still in business. Running back out to the front, he hung up the 'We'll be back!' sign on the front door, locking it, and went back to the break room to sit beside Sadie, who was rubbing her palms hard into her eyes to stop the tears.

"...Lars is really sick, isn't he?" Steven asked quietly, staring at his lap as he heard Sadie's cries turn into quiet sniffles as she realized she wasn't alone.

Sadie rubbed at her eyes still, before instinctively grabbing a bit of her hair, biting down hard on the inside of her cheek as she tried to make the words right.

"It's complicated Steven...", was all she could croak.

"...could you try to explain it to me?", he asked, voice genuinely concerned, face serious. If it was something like one of those dramatic hospital diseases from 'Under the Knife' maybe he could get Connie's mom to help Lars? Or maybe his healing spit could do the trick. He'd been thinking of different possibilities for cures to Lars' ailments when Sadie suddenly asked.

"Do you know what suicide is, Steven?"

The word had rung as only slightly familiar to Steven. Something from one of his 'Lonely Blade' videotapes, where the villain ended up dishonored, and thus stabbed himself in the stomach in order to regain honor in death.

When he gave a nod, Sadie took a shaky sigh, "Lars...tried to do that last night."

Confusion settled in Steven, "But...I thought it only happens in movies."

"No, Steven," she spoke softly.

"...why?", he asked, still not understanding. Suicide was an honor thing right? Why would Lars feel the need to regain honor for something?

"...Sometimes...people feel so bad about themselves...they want to," her voice caught, "...not exist anymore."

The confusion gave way to a feeling of horrified realization at what Sadie was getting at.

"Did Lars not want to exist anymore?", he asked, in only a whisper.

"...They don't know..." she sighed, then spoke, voice hoarse, "I've known for a while...Lars hasn't been feeling so good about himself...but...I didn't think this would happen...not in a million years."

Steven was still caught on the information Sadie gave him, having been shaken to his core. Even with all the laughter, smirks, joking, and humor, Steven's friend was faking a smile.

Lars had been wanting and planning to  _die_.

* * *

The two had decided to close shop early after that ordeal, not wanting to approach the customers with hollow, drained faces. They went out for pizza for lunch, but neither of them were hungry. So they both just sat and occasionally pecked at their soda straws.

"...So...is there anything we can do to make him happy?", Steven asked quietly, looking up at Sadie, who had a hand in her hair, holding back a headache from stress.

"...I don't know," she sighed, "This thing he's had, it's really tough to fight, because it's so hard to understand. You can do things that normally make you happy, and you still don't feel right..."

"So...there's nothing we can do?", Steven asked, losing hope like water down a drain.

"We can show we support him, and that we want him to get better. A lot of it is up to his doctors, and an even bigger lot of it is up to him," she mumbled, taking a sip of her cola. Just talking about it wore her out.

Sadie's words didn't make Steven feel better. If anything, they made him feel worse. He had hoped that he would be able to cure Lars with whatever he was ill with, and knowing now how complex and sobering it was while also knowing there was feasibly nothing he himself could do about it; he felt like he had failed. That now, his powers could come to an amazing use for someone he cared about dearly, but they would be useless for them. He felt like he'd let Lars down, not being able to help him now, and even moreso, not having been able to help him sooner.

When Sadie had offered to drive with Steven to Lars' house once he got out of the hospital, the boy got up and left, paying for his soda without another word, and went home to lay in bed until the gems arrived home.

* * *

Pearl sighed as Steven told her the whole story, and folded her legs, "Well, that's quite unfortunate for Mars."

"Lars," Steven corrected her halfheartedly, slumped on top of Garnet's hair.

"Lars. Yes," she nodded, sighing again as she tapped her chin in thought, "The human brain is so simple, it's more solvable than the little toy puzzle cubes people obsess over. What your friend's ailment seems to be is unipolar disorder, or in other terms, depression. And this in turn is caused by inexplicable chemical imbalances of the brain and nervous system-" Steven had zoned out the scientific words she used to follow this, and caught back on as she said, "a serious mental illness."

"That...kind of sounds like what Sadie said he has," Steven mumbled.

Pearl gave another nod, "Although, I wouldn't be 100% certain of it unless I had a closer look. Do you think once Lars is discharged from the hospital, he'd allow me to do a brain scan and-"

"IIIII don't think he's going to want that," the boy mumbled, cutting her off there. "I just wanna know if there's anything gem magic can do."

The gem sighed, "Rose wondered the same thing too. She knew humans with these sorts of things. And even her magic wasn't powerful enough to cure them."

"...so there's nothing I can do," Steven mumbled.

Before Pearl could give an answer, Garnet had lifted Steven off her hair, holding him so they were staring face to face as she spoke with her gentle but stoic voice, "Steven. What you can do is show support for your friend, and let him know that you care about his well being and his happiness. That is just as important as any gem magic," she concluded, setting him down.

Steven looked at Garnet, then the floor, sighing. He knew Garnet was right. He just didn't think that was all there was to it.

He just wanted to be able to do more.

* * *

Sadie's stomach twisted with anxiety that following Monday morning as she walked to her friend's house. Lars had gone home the other day, and was not allowed to return to work for at least two weeks. Steven had not picked up any of her texts about joining her on this visit, so she'd have to go it solo.

Lars' mother greeted her in Mandarin instinctively, then immediately in English with a weak apology, allowing her in the house, pointing her to the stairs. The woman called to her son in the same Chinese tongue, and a hoarse voice Sadie immediately recognized responded back in the same language.

Taking each step one by one, Sadie drew in a deep breath as she found Lars' room, and knocked on the door gently.

"...It's unlocked," the voice softly spoke, which invited the girl to open the door.

The teen wasn't bedridden like Sadie would expect. Rather, he was sat in his comfy looking armchair in the corner of the room, not even glancing up from what looked like a steaming hot cup of tea freshly brought up by his mother. Wearing a white 'Charm City' t-shirt that looked impossibly baggy on his skinny frame, and equally baggy checkered pajama bottoms, Sadie was pretty sure this wasn't how he normally dressed. If anything, it looked like he'd just woken up.

Sadie tried to make no notice to the bandages on one of his wrists, but it caught her eye, making her fear in horror for a moment that he'd tried to bleed himself out.

Lars had apparently caught her staring, and spoke up, "The stupid nurse kept stabbing my wrist for the IV, and it took three nurses to get her to put it by my elbow."

"O-Oh", she mumbled, unsure if she was supposed to laugh at that. She didn't feel like laughing. Instead, she just walked over carefully and quietly, not wanting to break out in a run, as much as she wanted.

He made no other glance to her as she was soon stood by him, his eyes fixated on the cloud of steam coming from the tea. Sadie remembered that he'd always liked tea, telling her it was better than any coffee in the world. Even when he would sing its praises, she didn't know why he was so fond of it. She always thought it tasted like boiled moss.

After three minutes of silence, Lars spoke up, "You've been standing there without saying anything. What's up?," he spoke blankly, sounding tired and empty.

His apathy not settling well with her, she lost her reservations, and threw her arms around him in a hug. He immediately tensed up, hot tea splashing on them both, and he gave only a small hiss. Out of instinct, he gently patted the spot where the tea hit her bare arm, though she didn't even seem to care as she murmured, voice sounding like she was on the verge of crying,

"I'm so glad you're still here."

Lars made no response for several seconds, before he gave a small sigh,

_"At least that makes one of us."_

* * *

"I'm...sorry about your friend, Steven," Connie had suddenly spoken up during their weekly beachwalk. Her glasses were folded and hanging onto her shirt collar, and she was carrying her boots in one hand, going barefoot on the sand.

Steven stopped in place, looking up to face her, "How did you know about it?", he asked, voice tired and quiet as it had been the last several days.

Connie awkwardly scratched at her ankle with her other foot, "My mom works at that hospital. She was one of the people who worked on him when they rushed him in." When that answer didn't seem to suffice for Steven, who wondered how she herself would even know it was Lars, she sighed, "She has me sit in on night shifts with her sometimes. She thinks it's 'mother-daughter bonding'", she sighed, making air quotes.

"Oh," the boy mumbled, as he continued to walk, sandals swishing audibly under his feet as they squished the wet sand. He said nothing for at least two minutes, just letting his hands rest in his pockets as he stewed over his thoughts. They'd just about reached the tide pools when he suddenly asked, "Did he look sad?"

The girl glanced at him in confusion, before understanding the question, and sighed, "I don't know. I wasn't there when he woke up. He was just passed out when my mom took charge. After that, he was just asleep," she shrugged modestly, figuring that was all that needed to be said.

"Does your mom know what he's sick with?" Steven asked.

"I don't know," she admitted again, "I just saw him get rushed in and treated for the pills he swallowed."

"Pills?", the boy repeated, not having known what it was that got Lars in the hospital in the first place.

"He took sleeping pills," she explained softly, "A lot of them. My mom had to get them out of him before they caused a lot of damage."

That was enough for Steven to hear, as he slowly went off kilter to a spot adjacent from the tide pools, sitting in the sand, looking bewildered. Lars was always sleeping on the job. In the end, he'd tried to go to sleep in hopes of never waking up.

Thinking her friend looked ready to throw up, Connie hurried over to Steven, "Are you ok? Do you need water?"

"He...must have really been tired," was all Steven could mutter, running a hand in his hair.

Deciding their beach walk was over, Connie escorted her friend home, not saying anything more on the matter. Once they got to the temple, she stood at the front door, and then asked softly, "Are you going to be ok, Steven?"

"...Yeah," he mumbled, staring at his feet, "...I just need a nap."

When Connie went home, Steven found while his brain was exhausted, his body was wide awake, and thus he was left to stew in his growing thoughts. Out of curiosity, he looked up 'depression' on his laptop, and found thousands of results. The search engine even offered a suicide hotline number. Steven wondered for a moment if Lars ever used that number at any point. He then found a pinned video in the search results, the recording of a college professor giving a lecture on psychological disorders, and in hope to get a better answer, Steven clicked on it. All he really remembered was what the professor had explained depression as, comparing it 'to a cancer in that it's much easier to treat at its earliest stage, but harder to pinpoint because it's not noticeable.'

Somehow, even though it explained something so complex to him, it made Steven feel worse. That this could have been prevented earlier. What if he could have used his healing powers then? What if he'd known before it was too late, and before the thought of death was even preconceived in Lars' mind?

What if this was all his fault?

* * *

"Are you doin' ok running the shop on your own?", Lars had asked Sadie quietly one evening. It had been a week since he'd returned home, and he was still wearing nightshirts and pajama bottoms. It was only the slightest relief to Sadie to see he'd finally changed into a fresh shirt with a cartoon logo on it, and dogtooth pajama bottoms, especially since he'd worn the same clothes for the last three or four days. It was good to see he'd gotten out of his chair or bed, and freshened up a bit.

"I'm managing," she nodded, giving a weak smile as she glanced at her Styrofoam cup of coffee. She'd brought in doughnuts for them to share after her shift ended, having brought him his own cup of tea to have. "Hayley's been coming in the mornings to help me open up, but I'm the one managing customers. The stepladder is working ok for now though," she mumbled, sipping her coffee.

Lars gave a tiny grunt in response, looking at the doughnut he'd picked from the box. He hadn't eaten any of it yet, having picked off a few of the tiny sprinkles from the pastry, squishing them in between his fingers.

Hesitating, Sadie gave a reassuring smile, "It will be nice to have  _my_  player 2 back at work."

The mirthless chuckle he gave to her comment unsettled her slightly, as if he were trying to say 'as if' to her hopefulness. She took a forceful sip of coffee, wanting to kill the lump in her throat, the one that had been building up slowly every day she visited, and would dissolve into tears as soon as she got home, or at least to her car.

"You haven't asked me yet why I did it," he suddenly commented after a long silence. He stared at his friend with a blank gaze, his hands starting to fidget slowly for a second.

Sadie had been taken aback by what he said, not expecting that. She began to try and think of what to say, but all that she could choke with her lump filled throat was, "Lars I-"

"My folks asked me why I never told them about this stuff, like they never even expected it...but you...you haven't even asked me anything," he mumbled, the lamp in his room making the bags under his eyes even more visible. He just looked so  _tired_.

"...I...guess I knew why you did it. I always kind of knew that you were dealing with something really rough," she mumbled, putting her coffee down. If she wanted to put it honestly, she knew Lars had demons to fight, and he did it with teeth and claws unsheathed. She knew he really  _tried_.

"...That explains that whole island incident, huh?", he muttered, giving another mirthless chuckle, thinking back to those several months before.

Guilt pooled in Sadie's stomach as she spoke, "I'm still really sorry about that. I thought it was for the best," she mumbled, "I didn't want things to go as wrong as they did."

Having no answer, Lars just looked at the doughnut in his lap, and the tea in the cheap Styrofoam cup in his left hand. "...You look like you're about to cry."

"No I'm not," she mumbled, eyes burning with tears.

"Sadie."

"I don't want you to feel any worse about yourself, Lars!", she cried suddenly, "I don't know what else to say or do to make you feel any better now!" She tore at the doughnut in her hand, the pieces falling on the floor for one of the family's big stupid dogs to eat later, "I don't want you to feel like you need to do this again!"

"I don't," he suddenly spoke, his voice shot. She looked up at him, tears running down her face, and making no notice of them, he continued, "Yeah, I hate myself, no shit, and I'm still really not that peachy about being here, but I'm not gonna try and off myself again if that's what you mean. At least not for a long time, 'cause; 1. I'm out of pills and 2. this shit still hurts like a motherfucker, and I don't wanna know what will happen if I'm dead with you guys."

Seeing her still wiping her eyes, he huffed, "Sadie, I'm trying to make you laugh here. Blow your nose, for Chrissakes."

"You still hate yourself," she cried, using her sleeve to rub her eyes.

"Yeah, but at least I'm trying to make light of it," he muttered, flopping back in his chair, face blank as it was before, "I guess the first step in this whole recovery thing is to try and motivate myself to do things. I motivated myself to get some new clothes on today. That's a start. A shitty start, but ok."

"It's a good start," Sadie insisted quickly, "A really good one. Just keep at it," she coaxed as helpfully as she could in her teary state.

He gave a small snort, and picked up the doughnut, "Maybe I'll motivate myself to eat this fucker. I'm starvin'," he grumbled, tearing a huge bite out of it.

For the first time that day, he said something that made Sadie laugh.

* * *

He couldn't remember who had suggested it, Garnet, Amethyst, or Pearl, but Steven was immediately starting to regret it as he reached Lars' house. Somehow, something was telling him that he had mistaken the advice of reaching out, and that this was a horrible idea. Even with the addition of bringing homemade cookies as a gift, this just felt  _wrong_.

Steven felt like he didn't even belong in the radius of the household, his conscience having been eating at him for the last two weeks. He'd grown on the idea that he could have prevented this from happening if he had just used those healing powers on Lars from the day he first walked in the doughnut shop.

He managed to give a halfhearted smile to Lars' mother who warmly invited him in as he handed her the box of cookies, and allowed him to go upstairs, but not before letting him know that the teen might still be asleep. It was 3:30 in the afternoon. Steven could only estimate Lars was sleeping in for 15 hours at least.

Upon walking in the teen's room, Steven saw the room plastered in rock posters, a couple messes in different corners, as well as an overflowing wastebasket of tissues, doughnut boxes, and disposable cups. Art supplies and old action figures were littering a desktop, and a couple game consoles were in the corner by the bed, where Lars was, huddled under his blankets, his mop of curls peeking out from under the comforter.

The disarray Steven saw the room having, and seeing Lars in his unconscious state triggered something in the boy, and the guilt and fearful thoughts growing, a sob bubbled in the boy's throat. At that moment, a groan emitted from the lump on the bed, and Lars awoke, staring blearily at the stout child, "...Steven?", he groaned, rubbing his eyes, "Whuh you doin' here?"

"Vuh-visiting," the boy blubbered, trying to start this whole thing normally, but was already off to a bad start. His nose was starting to run.

"Wha' time izzit," Lars had grumbled, looking at his alarm clock. Seeing it was 3:35 PM, he groaned, "Ahhh," and flopped back on the bed, running his hands over his face and scalp, exasperated with himself, giving a low curse that the boy could still hear.

"Are you ok?", Steven asked, rubbing his eyes so they were red but dry enough.

"M'fine. Just woke up," he mumbled, slowly easing himself into a sitting position, his hair a mess, "You're not s'posed to be in here, Steven. Don't want your gem magic blowing my house up for any reason."

"I don't see you at work anymore, so I thought I'd see you here," Steven admitted softly, looking at his sandals again, not wanting eye contact with Lars.

"I'll be back to work in a coupla weeks. Just wait until then to bug me, kid," he muttered, scratching his head sleepily, and stretching his back until a satisfying crack was made.

"Are you feeling better?", Steven then asked, almost hopeful that something could work.

Lars gave a mirthless chuckle, "Hardly," and scratched his chin, momentarily forgetting he was talking to a child as he spoke, "Shoulda figured it wouldn't have worked."

At that point, Steven broke, and began to bawl, "Laaaaars!", and gripped the other's arm, hugging tightly.

"Steven!", Lars yelped, "What the fff-heck are you doing?", he snapped, catching himself from cursing too strongly at the boy for once. Steven was sobbing too hard for Lars to even understand, and he tried to shove the kid off again. He did _not_  need this shit right now.

Choking on sobs, Steven finally blubbered with coherence, "This is my fault."

" _What?_ ", Lars nearly gasped, stunned at the boy's words.

Slumping on the floor, Steven gave a sob, snot and tears running down his face, "It's my fault you feel so bad, and that you're sick. I-I didn't figure it out soon enough, and now it's too late to use my healing powers on you!", he cried, "I could have saved you from this!"

Dumbfounded at the boy's words, Lars stared at him slackjawed. Not at the supposed revelation that Steven had healing powers since he'd known that for months, but that Steven thought he had the ability to cure this. Giving a long, drawn out sigh, Lars grumbled and deflated into a relaxed slump on the bed, running a hand through his hair, tensing as he spoke.

"Steven...fuck, I mean,  _hell_...it's," he paused to give another sigh, breath hissing through his teeth, "It isn't your fault, ok?," he mumbled, "It's...just bad luck for me."

"But I-"

"It's  _not_  your fault," Lars repeated firmly, staring at the boy, face stern, "So stop blaming yourself about it. You don't have anything to do with this...Just...go home," he sighed.

"B-But-"

"Steven.  _Go home_."

* * *

"He really thought it was his fault?", Sadie asked softly as she sat on Lars' bed while he recounted the events of the day before, having been upset over them the whole evening.

"Yeah," the teen groaned, rubbing his forehead, "I probably gave him a fuckin' complex or something, fuck," he cursed under his breath, sinking back into his pillow like he always did in the evenings. For some reason, he didn't feel tired enough to sleep. His stomach was twisted to almost a painful degree with how he was feeling about this whole mess.

"What did you do?", she asked, wanting to know if Steven was ok.

"I told him to go home. Like, I just told him to leave," he mumbled, chest starting to tighten with that gross feeling of self-hatred that he got from whenever he felt guilty about something he'd done. "I didn't know what else to do. I was exhausted, and I didn't wanna deal with a crying kid," he mumbled, hating himself even more for how selfish he sounded as he spoke.

"I'll talk to him tomorrow, ok?", Sadie assured, rubbing Lars' shoulder, "I'll try to get him to visit tomorrow, and-"

"Don't bother," he cut her off, tensing up, "I don't know why that kid puts up with me after all the shit I give him."

"Lars-"

"I've been an ass to him from day one, so why does he even give me the time of day?", he began to ramble, fists clenching the blankets below him in frustration, "Doesn't he know I'm the type of jerk he's going to have to avoid when he grows up? Kids like him; they get fuckin' mauled out there! They're gonna call him a loser, a freak, whatever they can think of just for kicks! He thinks I'm someone to be friends with, he's never gonna survive out there!", he exclaimed, sounding more worked up than ever.

Sadie looked at her friend who was on the verge of tears, "You don't want him to get picked on like you were, huh?" she murmured softly, remembering their days as young children when Lars, a scrawny naive boy, would be the target of bullies. Sadie had a few archived citation slips from the principals' offices when she stepped in for her friend, and would get into fights.

"I mean, Jesus Christ," Lars murmured, holding back a sob as he covered his eyes, "I don't even get why that kid gives a damn about me. I'm a loser. And now I've probably fucked with his head!"

Sadie pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sat beside her friend, hugging him with one arm, "He looks up to you," she admitted, "I mean, sure you're less than welcoming towards him, but sometimes, you just do small things that are really nice, and it just makes him light up," she tried to smile softly.

Lars glanced at her with teary dark eyes, and she gently pat his cheek, "Steven knows you can do good things and are a good person. He stays for that side of you. He knows it's there, and I know it's there."

When Lars had no reply, Sadie just gave gentle rubbing motions to his shoulder blade and back, "Like I said, I'll go talk to Steven later. I won't try to make him visit you, but I'll let him know you're trying to get better."

"...ok," he responded hoarsely, slumping beside her. And slowly but surely, he wrapped his arms around her, giving a small squeeze. Sadie gave a tiny laugh.

"I've missed your hugs."

"Yours are better. Mine are like getting hugged by a lamppost," he gave a dry chuckle, one that Sadie was glad to hear for once.

"A warm lamppost. I don't know if it's genetics or you live in a furnace, but you're always really warm," she gave a light giggle, hugging him tight.

"You're cuddly as hell," he snorted, sinking into her hug, giving what sounded like a content sigh, "...I...kind of feel better," he admitted.

"What do you mean?", she asked, glancing up at him, still not letting go.

"I...well, I don't know if it's a step forward, or a temporary thing, but I feel...a little more open I guess. I dunno," he mumbled, "Kind of like I got something off my chest."

"Well, that's good then," she smiled, wanting him to keep having positive growth, and without thinking about it, pressed her lips to his warm cheek.

Lars flushed bright red, and Sadie immediately pulled back, realizing what she just did. Their eyes locked, both seeing the sudden excitement and fear in the other pair, and then Sadie began to fidget, trying to think of what to say.

"...I...", she began, and words immediately died as Lars stared at her, still dumbfounded. She didn't want this to end up like the island incident where it just ended up with bad feelings and regret. She was about to say that she thought it would be best if she went home, when a slender arm wrapped around her torso, pressing her close.

"...I-It's ok Sadie," he mumbled, and awkwardly raised his hand, letting it gently pet her hair. When she didn't stop him, he continued to pet her hair until his wrist tired and he lowered his hand.

"Are you sure it's ok?", she asked, rubbing his back.

"Yeah," he murmured, and gently nudged her into laying on her side with him as he settled on the mattress, still hugging her torso, chin soon resting on her head.

"I really do like you, Lars," Sadie dared to say softly as she hugged his arm.

" _I know you do_."

* * *

It was another two weeks after that visit before Steven finally walked out of the house, and into town. He'd stayed shied up in the temple, watching TV or reading his books, or going on a mission. But it was more like he stared through the tv and books blankly, and if he went on a mission, it wasn't with his usual fervor. He didn't walk by the doughnut shop anymore, and he didn't respond to the texts Sadie had sent him. He felt like he'd let Lars down again by being unable to help him with what he had to deal with now.

He'd walked to his dad's car wash, and Greg seemed to show relief to see Steven out of the house after having not seen him for three weeks at least. When he'd last visited, the week before, Steven had hidden himself in one of the Gem's rooms to be alone.

Greg was even more relieved when Steven managed to have a miniature hose fight with him, leaving them both drenched. While taking off his shirt, wringing it out, Steven then spoke,

"Pearl said mom tried to cure stuff like Lars has, but she couldn't do it."

"Huh...Pearl told you about that?," Greg had asked almost sounding wistful.

"Yeah...she said that it was too complex for her to heal," Steven mumbled, picking at a loose thread on his shirt. "I bet she felt really down about that..."

"...she did," Greg sighed, then admitting "I was one of the people she tried to help."

"Really?", Steven looked up at his father, eyes wide in disbelief.

"Yeah. You don't need to know the nitty-gritty of it, but let's just say it's not a fun thing to go through. And I still had to deal with it after she was gone, and it got worse because of that."

"Wow," Steven mumbled, not having ever expected his dad, of all people, to have something like depression, "...well...are you better now?"

Greg laughed, rubbing Steven's head with his soapy hand, leaving bubbles, " _Much_  better. You don't need to worry about me, son."

"Well...what did you do to get better?"

"Lots of things," Greg smiled, kicking back in his chair, stretching his legs as he listed off on his fingers, "Talking to doctors who specialized in that sort of therapy, talking to friends, I pushed myself to do some more music in my spare time, I had to find new things to eat for breakfast that promoted myself feeling better...," he then groaned, "I regret eating so much herring. So much."

Steven gave a small laugh.  _Lars likes herring! That should be an easy change!_

Smiling at hearing his son laugh, albeit modestly, Greg then spoke with a wistfulness, "But it still takes a long time to fully get through things. It took me years. Some people never really do get 'cured' of it, and they have to take good care of themselves so they don't fall back into that state again."

Biting the inside of his cheek, Steven mumbled, "I hope Lars can get 100% better. I just wish there was a way I could be a better help to him..."

"I'm sure you'll think of something. And when you do, grab me a doughnut, will ya? I miss my weekly bearclaws," Greg grinned to the boy, grabbing the hose for another water fight.

* * *

When Steven got back from the car wash, he saw Sadie standing by the door, knocking on it. In her arm was a box of doughnuts.

"Sadie? What are you doing here?" Steven asked as he went up the steps. The teen perked up to hear his voice, and turned with a surprised smile, "Oh hey! You're outside! I was wondering if you were home. I wanted to bring you these."

"Oh...uh...thanks," he nodded, taking the box from her, and glanced around awkwardly, "So...Lars is back at work now?"

"Yeah, he just started this week," she smiled conservatively, "He leaves early for therapy appointments, but he tries to do an equal share of the work in his time slot."

"Yeah," Steven nodded, then rubbed the back of his head, "Is he...feeling better?"

Sadie stuffed a hand in her pocket as she thought of the right words, "In a sense, yeah. He's able to get up and motivate himself. He's a lot less quiet too, so we're able to talk and joke around and stuff. I can't really say if he feels happier or anything, but he's a step above from where he was earlier."

"Well...I guess that's good," he mumbled, hand slowly reaching for the door handle.

"He misses seeing you come in, Steven," Sadie spoke suddenly.

Steven then pulled his hand back, and seeing the flush in her cheeks, gave a sigh, "You don't have to cover for him. I know he doesn't."

"No, he really does," she sighed, "He hopes you're doing ok."

"You can tell him I'm fine," he sighed, "Thanks for the doughnuts," and went inside, closing the door behind him, watching Sadie sadly leave from the window. He placed the doughnuts on the counter, having no appetite for them. He sat on the couch, running his hands through his hair in thought, unsure what to do. If he visited Lars, he'd feel obligated to apologize for his outburst when he visited, and that would make Lars feel worse. If he didn't visit Lars, Lars might think he hated him, and feel worse. Steven just wanted to do something for him without messing it up.

The temple door opened and Amethyst emerged, giving a "Hey Steven, good to see ya up and about," she spoke, wanting to be as positive for him as she could, her attention diverted when she saw the box of doughnuts, "You gonna eat those?"

"Nah, you can have them," he shrugged.

"Cool," she grinned, taking the box, retreating back to her room again, the temple door slamming behind her.

It was then that Steven got an idea, eyes glittering as he looked at the twinkling gems on the temple door.

* * *

Steven felt a sense of calm as he found himself back in the pink cloud room, and for a minute, just lay on the clouds, meditating in silence. For the first time, he smelled something in the room, something sweet, like cotton candy or a powdery marshmallow. It was just calming.

He didn't know if this was a good idea. The room was unable to build the whole town without it becoming something out of a horror movie. He probably shouldn't have been expecting it to be able to make something like what he was thinking.

_"Ok...room...I know this is a lot to ask...but I want to figure out how to help Lars."_

In a puff of clouds, a plain looking door appeared, and without a single thought, Steven opened it, and walked through.

At first, Steven thought that the room had messed up, since he found himself in what looked like a part of Beach City. Except, he couldn't recognize any of the buildings. And when he took a second look, they were not just buildings. They were drawn buildings, as though someone had made the lines with a pencil. And when Steven looked further, he saw  _everything_  was drawn. Like a big urban cityscape. Suddenly, people were walking everywhere, and when Steven looked closer at them, he saw they were like moving pictures, or cut outs from a magazine that were animated.

Both incredibly confused, but incredibly curious, Steven walked down the span of street, realizing there was no intersections or other pathways. It was just a straight road lined with buildings. After several minutes of walking, Steven saw a bright light, as if this whole street had just been a tunnel. Upon getting closer, he saw a figure sitting in the middle of the road, staring at the light, which was nothing more than blank white, as if it was just empty paper.

Hurrying closer, Steven immediately recognized the person as Lars, looking like he always did, not like the moving picture people. Steven ran over to him, "Lars?"

Lars made no response, continuing to stare at the blank white space, only giving an occasional blink. Steven noticed that while they were the only two 'real' looking people in the dreamscape, Lars' body looked...gray, as if he were de-saturated on a photo editor. Even his clothes and hair looked gray. He didn't even react to Steven asking if he was ok. He just blinked slowly, his sunken eyes continuing to glance at the empty space. He looked just as empty as what was before him.

"Lars, how are you feeling?", Steven then asked.

Like he'd been drained of all emotion, the teen spoke in a monotone, " _Tired_."

Slightly relieved to get a response, the boy asked, "Do you need to sleep?"

" _Yes. But I will still be tired_ ," he spoke again, not even casting a glance at the boy. He sounded as though he had lost his soul, his body only an empty shell.

_Was this cityscape supposed to be what Lars was feeling?_

Steven just watched Lars sit and stare at the blank void, and sighed, sitting beside him, "I really wish I knew how to help you. You deserve to be here. You're a good guy." He gave Lars' chest a pat, then looked at the cityscape behind him, and spoke, "You must have drawn those. Sadie says you're a really good artist. I never was really good at that. Maybe sometime you can teach me." The silence continued, and Steven looked at the white, "Maybe this place would be even cooler if you did more buildings or did something new."

It was then he saw the broken pencil sat aside Lars, and then he saw the unfinished lines on a building. His eyes widened, "Oh! Your pencil is broken! Let me give you a new one!", he smiled, the pencil appearing from a puff of clouds. When Lars made no initial reaction, Steven gently placed the pencil in Lars' open hand, pressing his fingers gently into a grasping position, and then got up, taking Lars by the hands, "Come on!", he smiled, amazed at how easy it was to get the otherwise non receptive teenager to follow him, albeit, with Steven tugging his hands to the unfinished sketch.

"What were you going to make? Something new?," Steven chattered, being his usual cheerful self once again. For a minute, he'd forgotten this was a dreamscape.

He gently nudged Lars' hand up for the pencil to touch the end of the unfinished line, and once it touched, like clockwork, lines began to magically appear, forming into beautiful sketches without the teen's hand even moving. In a flash, pencil drawings of detailed buildings and an even bigger, more diverse cityscape came to life, color bleeding into them like water.

As soon as the color came through, painted pink swirls slowly bloomed into roses made of oil and acrylic, looking as though they could be picked up. Everything had become so much more vibrant. And as soon as the roses bloomed, the color returned to Lars' being, and the light returned to his eyes, as if he'd awoken from a dream.

A smile immediately grew on his face. Not a smirk. But a smile.

" _Thank you, Steven!_ ", he exclaimed exuberantly as rose petals engulfed him, and before the boy could even respond, Lars was gliding away on the sea of petals, which almost seemed to form into an extravagant scaly dragon with a long slender body and whiskers sailing in the breeze, the teen riding on its back into the distance.

"Wait! Lars, come back!" Steven yelped, chasing after the rose dragon which seemed to fly higher. Lars looked back for an instant, giving a wave to Steven as he flew off down the cityscape, and beyond.

Eventually, after a while, Steven just stopped chasing the dragon, and watched it disappear out of sight. He understood that he couldn't stop Lars from going forward, and knew that he was happier as he sailed off to continue creating the bigger dreamscape. And for a few minutes, Steven couldn't completely connect it to how to help after a few minutes, he got an idea. And he was 99% sure it could work. It couldn't cure Lars like Steven wanted, but it could help.

Deciding he had enough of the room's magic, he voiced his desire to leave.

* * *

Lars gave an awkward 'thank you' to Garnet when the gem opened the door for him, letting him inside the beach house. She had mentioned that Steven would be back shortly, so he decided to go stand by the kitchen island, leaning one of his elbows against it. He'd just gotten back from his therapy session, and after what he had discussed with his therapist, he felt he needed to do this.

Pearl nonchalantly approached Lars, and casually asked, "So...are you feeling better?"

Literally knowing nothing about the Gems aside from the fact they were Steven's guardians, Lars felt it really odd for her to ask that, but answered anyway, giving a small shrug, voice quiet, "Yeah. In a sense. Things are still gonna be kind of rough for a while."

Giving a stiff nod, Pearl twiddled her fingers a bit, "You know, if you find it to your benefit, perhaps you'd consent to letting me do a thorough examination of your brain-"

"Nooooo _thank you_.", Lars cut her off, slightly stepping away from her. The Gem flushed blue, and walked over towards Garnet, not wanting to interact with the hollow-lobed human any further.

As soon as Pearl had stepped away from Lars, the temple door opened, pink light glowing from it as Steven emerged from it. The boy didn't even notice Lars as he got right to work on his plan, scurrying up the stairs, to his room. Garnet and Pearl watched Steven go, then looked at each other, then at Lars. Garnet gave a shrug, "He seems preoccupied."

Lars sighed, "Thaaaat's cool," and gestured to the couch, "Mind if I get comfy there?"

Pearl flushed, not wanting extra guests in their abode, "Maybe you should come back tomorrow if-"

"Feel free to sit down," Garnet interrupted her, nodding to Lars.

"...Thank you," he nodded to the stoic gem, and sat himself on the couch, leaning against the armrest a bit as he waited for Steven to actually notice he was in his house. He could see the kid hurrying about his room on the elevated floor, obviously working away at something. He figured he'd give it five minutes, and if Steven didn't come down, he'd get his attention. He was about to put his feet on the coffee table, but immediately stopped as he heard Pearl clear her throat.

Steven gave a cheer of triumph as he found exactly what he needed under his bed, and jammed it all into his backpack, and just as he darted down the stairs, he caught eye of the person on the couch, and froze in place.

"Hi Steven," Lars spoke quietly, giving what he was hoping looked like a welcoming smile.

"...hi," he answered awkwardly, "I...was just going...on a walk?"

"...Can I come?"

"...sure," the boy nodded, voice quiet, not having expected any of this to happen. He'd thought he'd have the ability to come up with the right words while on the solitary walk to the other's house, but with that plan out the window, he'd just have to be careful with his words. He knew Lars wasn't coming over for kicks, he was most definitely going to bring up the incident weeks before.

Readjusting his backpack on his shoulders, he nudged the door open with his arm, holding it for Lars as he stepped out of the house, Garnet and Pearl watching them leave, not looking too worried. The afternoon sun was starting to descend, marking the close approach of sunset.

For several minutes, nothing was said as they walked on the beach, Steven just staring ahead in thought as he tried to come up with any possible answers for any possible questions Lars would have if he initiated the conversation first. Lars was doing the same, but would occasionally glance at the boy, and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"So...how's it been goin'?", he asked Steven, "Haven't seen you in a while."

Steven stopped in place a second as he tried to come up with an answer, then got back into the rhythm of walking, "It's...been ok," he mumbled.

"Any more magic places you've been to?"

"A few. We fought a glass monster on Tuesday."

Lars gave a snicker, "So a usual weekday for you?"

The boy managed to give a small laugh, "Yeah. Amethyst defeated it by making it ram into a wall. It wasn't a really smart monster."

"Are they really ever smart?"

"...nah."

Steven perked up a little when Lars gave a small laugh, and was able to give a small smile himself, even if only briefly. He then felt it was only fair to ask, "How are you?"

"...I'm not gonna lie to ya, man. It's still rough," Lars responded after a short pause, voice reserved.

Deflating a bit, Steven mumbled, "Oh...", feeling as though this would be difficult to talk about.

"...but I feel better than I did last month," he shrugged, trying to give a reassuring smile to the kid, "...and I've accepted for what it's worth, that's a good thing."

"...why did you even do it anyway?", Steven asked suddenly, and recoiled as if he would immediately regret it, expecting Lars to react harshly or to snap at him.

Instead, the teen just stopped walking, and looked at his feet, nudging one of them in the sand, "...I was just really tired of everything. Like, it sounds weird to be saying it now, because it sounds so stupid, but I just felt so worn out. Like, that really gross feeling you have on a bad day, where you're just tired and sad and you want to just sleep it off. But it didn't stop after I fell asleep."

"...and it got worse?", Steven theorized.

Lars nodded, sighing, "And then it sort of just spread to everything else. I started getting mad that I couldn't shake it off, and after a while, I was mad at everything, and I kept beating myself up over it. Just felt like everything just stopped working, and I couldn't fix it."

Steven thought back to his experience in his mother's room, and spoke, "So...it's kind of like trying to draw something but you have a broken pencil?"

Freezing in place for a second, Lars gave a thoughtful look, "That...is actually a pretty damn good way of putting it. Like a broken pencil and no sharpener or anything else to work with." He held out his fist, "You get a fistbump for a high-school-philosophy level analogy, kid."

Steven gave the biggest grin in weeks as he smacked their fists together, making Lars pull his back with a yelp, "I said fistbump, not break my knuckles, man!"

"Sorry,' he pulled back sheepishly, still holding back a bit of laughter.

While Lars rubbed his fist tenderly, Steven then decided to ask, feeling a bit less reserved, "So...how do you feel now, if you feel better than what you did before?"

"Well, kind of the same thing," he sighed. When he saw the worry on the kid's face, he rubbed the back of his head in thought, "But like...less? I...want to be here," he shrugged, "Even if I don't like myself."

"You should like yourself," Steven coaxed, the sense of bubbliness slowly returning to his voice.

"I know, man. That's gonna be a step in the process, trust me," he sighed, "Look, before it slips my mind, I'm really sorry for snapping at you a couple of weeks ago. I was just-"

Steven placed his hand on his chest for their special high five, "I know. You were in a bad place."

"...yeah," he nodded, looking embarrassed for feeling the need to apologize for it.

"And you're not in a good place now."

Lars looked at Steven as they continued to walk, biting the inside of his cheek, unsure how to respond with that, since Steven wasn't wrong on that observation.

"...but you're in a place where you can get better."

Giving a breath through his nose, deciding that was a good way to have it expressed, Lars gave a smile, "Yeah man. That's a good way to put it."

"Do I get another fistbump?"

" _Fuck_ no."

Steven grinned, and for the rest of their walk, he decreed he would allow Lars to freely swear while they talked casually, so long as Steven got a high five at the end of it. Lars told him that he would only get a high five if Steven didn't repeat any of the curses he let flow from his mouth. Especially not to his Gem guardians.

Before long, they walked past the Big Doughnut, which was closed by now, but Lars, keys on hand, offered to give Steven a doughnut on the house. Once they were inside, Steven had pulled something out of his backpack, and held it out.

"Lars, I wanted to give you this."

"...a journal? Steven, I don't write," he rolled his eyes, helping himself to the canned cold brew tea he'd picked to stock in the store himself.

"It's a sketch journal! You can draw in it!", Steven smiled, and then shoved a pack of brightly colored pens in Lars' free hand, "I thought it would be a good way for you to express yourself," and then opened it, flipping through all the pages, "See? I even put a small box at the bottom of each page so you can write what kind of day you're having!"

The teen's cheeks and earlobes flushed with embarrassment, "Well, gee...thanks. That's actually...kind of nice, man."

"That way, if you don't have anyone to talk to, you have this!", he pushed hopefully.

Lars scratched his cheek, "Well...I guess that's a nice sentiment..."

Steven nodded in agreement, chewing his doughnut, "But you can always talk to me or Sadie, you know!"

"...Yeah. I can," he smiled, feeling for once, honestly grateful that he knew Steven.

"So...what are you gonna draw on the first page?"

Lars froze in thought, giving a shit eating smile, "I have no idea. Fuck me."

"You could draw me!", Steven grinned excitably, leaning on the counter.

"Sorry, but anything I draw is gonna go into an art museum, not a zoo," Lars snorted as he scarfed down a chocolate doughnut. He almost choked on it when Steven surprised him with how loud he started laughing.

For the first time that day, Lars genuinely smiled.

* * *

"-aaaand, two maple bars!", Steven finished the order, grinning to Sadie.

"Steven, try picking some from the bottom shelves so I can actually reach them," she laughed as she stretched to the right on the stepladder to pick the pastries, placing them in a box. Steven sure liked to make big orders for weekends.

Before she could reach for them, Lars walked out of the breakroom, placing his sketch journal on the counter absentmindedly, "I got it," he insisted, grabbing the two doughnuts, plopping them in the box. "Steven, what happened to your eye? It looks like you got smacked."

"Oh, it was just a rock from a gem monster this morning," he smiled, brushing it off as nothing. That was Steven, who could probably lose a leg and not mind it, but if he stubbed a toe, would give the whole deathbed scene.

"Put ice on it before it swells up," Sadie warned him, trying not to laugh, hopping down from the stepladder, looking up at Lars, "How was therapy this morning?"

"Not bad," he shrugged, admitting, "Not much better than this week, but better than the week before. I'd probably feel a lot better about it if I didn't have to get up an hour earlier."

By now, it had been two months since his suicide attempt, and things were still rough. But he felt significantly better as time passed, even when he suffered a setback. He didn't feel hopeless anymore.

"Well, good," Sadie smiled, leaning up to kiss his cheek, and he leaned down so she could reach him halfway, his face flushing lightly.

"Do I hear wedding bells?" Steven teased with a cheerful grin, ducking when Lars tried to swat his head.

"No, but you might hear your doughnuts getting repossessed," Lars snorted, taking the boy's cash, and handing him the change.

Steven was about to leave when he saw the sketchbook, and looked at Lars, "Can I see your drawings?"

"Go ahead," Lars shrugged.

"Ooh, I wanna see!", Sadie grinned, leaning over the counter edge to see her boyfriend's art.

"Hey, one at a time," Lars whined, but his complaint went unheard, and he was left to manage the counter while those two got distracted.

Steven and Sadie gazed over the drawings, the blonde looking relieved to see he had done unique work on each page instead of a grim self portrait. She blushed a little when she saw he had drawn her on one spread, dated with the Saturday before, when they had gone out on their second date together. They figured Lars either was very good at drawing while on the job, or that he stayed up at night to fill the pages, because each daily page was covered to the edge, and they were  _good_.

Both took notice of the words he had written on each daily spread, keeping them concise. A few read,  _Today was fine._

A large amount read,  _Today was rough._

A bigger amount thankfully read,  _Today was better than yesterday._

When Steven and Sadie reached the most current page from the day before, it was only ink sketches that Lars probably did the night before of the two of them, smiling and laughing, probably an homage to their joking around in the shop that afternoon and there was a self portrait sketch in the corner, that for once, in Sadie's eyes, looked beautiful, because it looked like him. The ink at the bottom read:

_Today was a great day._

The two were unable to hide their smiles as they watched Lars slam the register door shut with his hip and strut over to ask for his sketchbook back.

"Are you having a great day today too, Lars?" Steven asked, giving a hopeful smile.

The teenager gave a look of confusion at the addition of the word 'too'. Until he caught eye on which page they were gazing at.

"...Yeah," he smiled a bit, closing the book, "I am."


End file.
